hi skele!!! this is a little more serious than i usually EVER. am, but i know youre going through a tough time and shit and, this is honestly kind of embarassing but i just wanted to remind you how much you mean to me. i dont care how much you hate yourself, i love you and youre honestly my best friend. seriously, you mean so much to me.
writing this, im a little teary-eyed because the thought of you fucking killing yourself actually makes me sick. like- that gross pit in your stomach that wont go away. (i hate it) no matter how much you hate yourself, how much i love and care about you is more than that. you deserve to live. you dont really know it because i never told you at the time (and we werent quite as close), but you were there in one of the lowest points in my life. given, ive hit rock bottom quite a few times but, yknow. to be frank i couldnt go 2 hours without cutting myself, and ALL i thought about was suicide, and talking to you always made everything feel at least a little less hopeless. i know i can talk and talk and its not gonna get rid of that gross feeling that makes you feel like you dont deserve to live or whatever, but it wont stop me from trying.. i aint a quitter. i hate this, i hate talking about shit like this, thats why im putting it lines of code instead of talking to you but. its my way of giving a gift, if that means anything.
i remember back when you first joined the server, and you were doing your karkat voice in vc, i was like "damn that kid is really funny" LMAO. anyway-- i like.. REALLY wanted to be your friend. i literally started rping sollux cause you called me sollux because of my pfp and i saw it as a way to get close to you. that sounds creepy. not like that. but like.. i purposely ragebaited your damn karkat because i wanted to talk to you. you were talking about like how you really want someone to like you and not vice versa- AND I KNOW ITS NOT THE SAME. but dude i was genuinely like I GOTTA BE FRIENDS WITH THIS GUY. IMMEDIATLY. shout out to past me for that, best decision ever. youre so awesome stop fucking hating yourself because youre just WRONG????? sure lifes hard (im harder) and WHATEVER but dude why would you kill yourself. stop saying that shit man. if shit goes wrong and flies off the handle DONT BE A PUSSY AND KILL YOURSELF???? dude if we both end up homeless on the side of the street were gonna still fuck shit up and have fun. LIVE OUT OF SPITE ASSHOLE. or- for me if that doesnt work. idk.
i know it sucks because we cant see eachother irl and all that. like were TWO hours away and havent been able to meet up.. it fucking sucks, and it mostly because of my mom. because she thinks im like trying to bone/vice versa ALL of my friends. x10 million if theyre the opposite sex. its really irritating. BUT I DIGRESS. even if it takes 3 fucking years WHEN I SEE YOU WE ARE CRACKING. no but fr, when you were talking about like your family history and shit, i dont think you understand how much i wanted to punch your ass and also give you the tightest hug ever. because WHAT do you mean youre just gonna kill yourself.. like no youre not jackass?? but also i fucking actually love you so much dude. life sucks. bad. but dont be a pussy. especially not when im RIGHT here waiting to play minecraft... who wouldve guessed someone i met on the internet (and MAYBE forced myself into their life.......) would become literally like- one of the most important people in my life ever. LIKE GENUINLEY, TALKING TO YOU FEELS SO NATURAL. psa. im really embarassed telling you this shit and being all like.. mushy. BUT i need to tell you this. and get used to it because i do shit like this all the time.. and then promptly pretend to not have made it... WHOOPS!!!